i'm lying to myself you're coming home.

there's only so much that words can say. how feelings bottle up deep within oneself, it forms a choke-hold. you can't breathe. there's only so much that one can withstand within themselves. we become disgruntled with ourselves, we start asking so many questions, it's always "why" or "if only". how far can the word 'pain' bring us? no matter how mad, how frustrated, how long more can one go? all the misery we go through, at the end, it becomes our past. it's a memory. you hold everything close to heart, in the end it's far more unreachable than what we think. what hurts even more is the fact that, you can only watch from a distance as you're no longer someone. the joy that you feel, is the joy that you bring unto others especially someone who you hold dear to. but what if, you're no longer that joy you bring to them?

  "there's only so much that words can say, but there's way much more words a heart is capable to cry out."

Pain.

 What have i not done enough to please you? i gave my all. i did everything i don't usually do. Yes, i did alot for other's. but not as much as what i did for you. i loved you with all my heart. Why would you doubt that and throw such words at me? Am i really that worthless and cheap to you? After all we went through, and now you threw it back at me. it's like being stabbed a billion times. it hurts much worse than whatever before. i thought you knew me better. what have you become? It fucking hurts so badly, i don't know where to hide. how could you just leave everything like that. are you that selfish? it just hurts.

Closer

I'm finding a way to approach youAs soon as you walk into the roomYou're holding a veil that I see throughAnd I'm already pulled by the way you move

Right now, I can't believe what I'm feeling somehow

I felt the beat in your chestin the moment that our eyes first metWhen the song hit, and you pulled me overI just wanna get closerFrom the time that I noticed your lipsWe were dancing, I was holding your hipsTil the last song, don't want it to be overI just wanna get closer

I'm trying my best not to fall throughAnd it's taking everything I gotI'm finding a way just to get youCloser to me, cause I know you're not

Right now, I can't believe what I'm feeling

I felt the beat in your chestin the moment that our eyes first metWhen the song hit, and you pulled me overI just wanna get closerFrom the time that I noticed your lipsWe were dancing, I was holding your hipsTil the last song, don't want it to be overI just wanna get closer

Do you feel what I'm feeling?Gotta show me where to startCan't believe what I'm seeinYou could make me fall apartYou could make me fall apart

Ooh

Baby, I'm moving towards you

I felt the beat in your chestin the moment that our eyes first metWhen the song hit, and you pulled me overI just wanna get closerFrom the time that I noticed your lipsWe were dancing, I was holding your hipsTil the last song, don't want it to be overI just wanna get closer

Closer baby, closer to you

I just wanna get closer

From the time that I noticed your lipsWe were dancing, I was holding your hipsTil the last song, don't want it to be overI just wanna get closer




Metres, Kilometres, Miles, a Light Year. DISTANCE. 

   It is not always the measurements, or instruments needed to count how far one can be from another. Measurements can be counted physically using formulas too, for objects. but what about emotions? can you measure how 'far' you are from the person you love? you can sit directly opposite, and yet, something makes you feel far apart. even Pythagoras wouldn't be able to tell you what this 'distance' is. 
   In every part of life, you meet people. either they change you, or they don't. but everyone you meet, are different/unusual beings who play vital roles. but in every group of friends, you somehow meet this one very special being. a being who affects you in so many ways, emotionally, sometimes physically. they either bring you up, or they bring you down. they're the reason you smile, and they're the reason you frown. this special 'force' that can either pull you so close, or drift you apart from one another. 
   This 'force' is rather unique. call it a magnetic field, a centrifugal/centripetal force, but still, science can't seem to explain what this is. But what happens when this 'force' somehow seems to feel like it's losing it's energy? This missing 'gap' then becomes a distance. an imaginary/invincible barrier. Scientific shit aside, but how can this be possible? when you've been so close to someone, that somehow, something just pulls you apart?
   You do everything, you fight for it. but somehow, it just can't happen. It's not that, the other person stops trying. they just can't. 
"... right now, I can't believe what I'm feeling somehow."
   You learn to care for someone, and somehow that 'force' comes and hits you, and BAM. you start to realise how important that someone becomes, and how important that someone can be. A friendship that you unknowingly built becomes something more than you ever thought it could be. Yes, you get this with everyone else you fall for. but each one feels different. they feel much better. if you were to say, "it's just one of those love shit you go through, same shit, different day", but mind you, every experience you go through is different. everyone goes through different things in life. 
   Well back to the story, what if you're not allowed to love this person anything more than just being friends? can this be the reason why things feel much different? somehow, the thought of "i-can't-do-anything-more-than-that" makes it feel different, once you are aware of it. but what if you're not aware of such thought? would things feel better, more freewill in your actions?
"... it's like driving. you learn how to drive with a manual car. and then for many years, you've been driving an auto car, you'll find it hard to go back to a manual." 
   You've become close friends, and then out of a sudden, you both took a step higher. and next moment, you had to take a step down. and then things felt a little different. 
   But why can't things just stay as how it was, why can't things improve from there? There's this unexplainable emotions that we have, that somehow wants you to get closer.  But at the same time, you know you're not allowed to. 
 "... i'm trying my best not to fall through, and it's taking everything I've got"

   You've tried your best to make everything seem like it has always been the same. But what about the memories that you've made along the way when you took that step higher? Must you leave them behind and forget them like they never happened? What if you're not allowed to remember them, and must they stay behind in the past? You know you can't walkway from them, because it happened. because you were once closer.



Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu