truth

it's been so long since i last blogged. my blog's starting to look so dead. lol. i guess when people say that nothing stays the same, it is an actual fact. sometimes we tend to lie to ourselves. or perhaps holding on to the past stops us from growing up. time does change people no matter how much they deny it. the only way to stop ourselves from 'hoping' is to change with time to, in that way it saves us from heartbreaks.

time passes and life goes on.

in life, we have friends. some who are true, some who are seasonal, some who only seek you when they're down, some who share lame jokes and some who are always steady like a rock who you know you can count on. but as time passes, everyone will move on. no matter how close you are, time will pull you apart. nothing stays the same. just like how the continents in earth will move apart in millions of years, like how the sun will eventually die off.

i used to think that friends will stay, well i have less than a handful who might stay. but as time passes i've realised that there will be some awkwardness in between that will form, eventually.

i've come to know that i've been lying to myself all these while. giving my all to every person who i care for. and especially to one.

after the absence of one another, we started to be friends again. we used to talk almost everyday. laughing about anything and everything. talking about things that happened daily. we were really close. and eventually i had some feelings towards that person. but as time goes we kept having issues with one another every now and then. from almost daily calls, to alternate calls, to occasional calls and to rare calls. and that caused the gap in between to widen.

i have seriously never cared for anyone this much, ever. to walk under the rain when we had an argument all the way to her house, to ditch a friend at the very last minute when she needed someone, from dropping whatever i was doing just to talk to her, organizing a surprise party, and folding an origami. these are the things i never did for anyone, not even all of my ex. would you believe if i said i have never attended any one of my ex's birthday party, what more organizing it. the only thing i have given to one of my ex is a small toy dog, and sweets, what more spending half a day trying to fold something just to put a smile on her face.

sometimes i have always wondered, whether was i that silly to actually do all these for someone. putting her as one of my priorities in life. there was never once that i have never thought of her. i used to sit down and break down. but as misunderstandings keep repeating, eventually you just don't know how to cry anymore. it's like you're all numb and heartbroken. it's true that words are very comforting. what's the point of comforting someone with words but not showing it?

it really saddens me that everything she says, sometimes just tend to be words. am i really the best to you? why doesn't it seem like it? am i only the best when you know i'm always there whenever you're having problems, and only pushing me away when you're happy with your other friends? you might say that i don't understand you, well maybe in this matter, but have you ever tried to understand me? do you know how painful it is to me? do you realise that i've not told you any of my problems already? it's because you're so occupied with your friends that whatever problems i have, you wouldn't be there.

have you ever felt being pulled when someone has problems, and only to forget you when they're out there enjoying their time with others? am i like a seasonal friend to you? questions keep popping out whenever things like these happen. why do i care so much about you, when you don't even give a damn? whenever people are around and we have our issues, we can actually just ignore one another, like asthough we never knew one another. do you know how much it hurts me? do you think i write things like these just for the sake of writing? things just keep building up inside, and i don't know who or what to let all these out.

why did i even allow myself to fall for you. why am i that stupid? nothing lasts forever. you were right. and i have learnt that all these while, i have been lying to myself. trying to make things better, and yet things don't get better at all or worse. you'll never know, or never will you understand how painful and hurt i am.

the best for everyone.

have you ever felt being stuck in the middle, not being sure of what to do? being right in between two souls who are in love with one another and you're in love with one of them?

and suddenly one day you come to know that something happened in between them, and one of them is badly hurt by it emotionally.

what would you do to make her/him happy?

maybe to some desperate dudes, you may think that, wow this is your chance man, it's like a dream come true to do your thing since she's vulnerable now. but no, i'm not happy at all. not even a bit. i'm really upset seeing her being like this. being so emotional, not being in control of things right now. i feel as equally torn as her. it really breaks my heart.

its the first time hearing her cry on the phone for sometime and especially when she's some where far far away. i've actually felt like trading places with that guy, i guess she'll be happier? or at least not as heartbroken. because i know he'll make her happy.

should i speak to him about what she's going through? should i make a deal with him? i'd rather break my own heart to mend hers. i've never felt this way about anyone before. not this much. i feel like i'm myself whenever i'm around her. the sensitive person deep inside. she brought changes into my life, made me more patient than i ever was. pulled me back to God. i can't let go of our fondest memories, but i think i'll be strong enough to go through it all. as long as she's happy and there's that smile back on her face, that's all that matters to me now.

"loving someone means you want them to be happy, even if it's letting go of them"

lost

i just don't know how i feel right now.

should i continue being a pillar, and still hurt deeply without being noticed?

or should i just walkaway from the promises i made, and forget and leave everything that happened and live life being so carefree?

my heart hurts, not that you'll know how it feels nor would you even take notice of it.

even if i were to disappear it wouldn't matter anyway, not like you'll care.

i care too much i guess, maybe i should stop.

you.

i really wanted to tell you how i feel from my own mouth yesterday. i'm always a chicken when it comes to telling you about my feelings towards you. whenever you're around me, words just get lost inside. my mouth doesnt know what to say to you, but my heart does. i just want to tell you that i really love you and i really dont know how to say it to you but it doesnt mean that i dont mean it. i'm really sorry i've always wanted to tell you since that day on christmas '09.

you're leaving already today, i've been procrastinating about telling you for so long. i dont want to seem like a flirt to you. i'm sorry for that mistake i did for breaking your heart, i think, that many years ago, walking away from you. i guess you wouldnt forgive me for that part which made you still think that i'm the type who would like anyone easily and my feelings will fade really fast. you'll be there for 5 years, and i promise i'll study hard and try to get to aus asap. i really wanted to tell you in the car yesterday, but i couldnt. all i could do was just pinch your cheeks for that 2 - 3 minutes plus and not let go, telling you from my heart that i'm going to miss you so much. my eyes was about to tear up but i told myself i cant because, yeah your mom was in the car and i dont want you to be depressed. i really like you and i'll wait for you till the day i can pinch your cheeks again. i love you.

lost of words at mouth, lots of words at heart.

1 more week to be exact till you leave. dont really know what i'm feeling or thinking atm. sucks to be me especially when its chinese new year. i had so much to tell you from the start, but as disappointments keep happening i just lost everything to say. have planned so many things to do to keep you happy right after your exams. fixed my skateboard, planned to go to the playground and be kids again. but since then everything just started going more awkward. we make up and things seem awesome just for that moment. and when we have our conflicts. it last 10 times more than when we're fine. guess i'll never get to tell you everything. i'm so confused. i just dont know what to do. things are so different now. we cant even talk like how we used to. imy greatest friend. i really do.