random thoughts.

i heard about the rumours and all. about what happened that time in facebook. and you told me you felt like you were being controlled? i didnt expect you to believe what he said tho about some deal we made. i didnt make any deal whatsoever. i didnt even think of controlling you. if you think of believing what you heard then i can't stop you. because seriously i didnt mean anything and that dude kept saying that i'm just jealous and all. like wth man. if i was jealous why didnt i just tell him straight to his face then. and besides he has nothing for me to be jealous of. and i didnt like how he threaten me and screwed fw and sharon for no reason and kept bringing your name into the picture.

if everyone thinks i'm the culprit of whatever shit, i'll just stop bothering you for the moment i guess. there's like a gap in between us and suddenly this shit comes up. i just hope things get better between us. all this awkwardness is seriously hurting me. everything feels so different. sigh

when you're gone.

its the 28th of Sept 2010, 2 more days till October starts. just 3 months before you leave, and it'll be hardly a month after your exam and you'll be gone. even then, i bet we'll never get to go out together. you'd be busy with your preps, other friends, and stuffs. i feel really lost now, i just dont know what to say. its like a bomb thats ticking. i dont know if you feel it too, but i feel a really huge gap in between. am i losing you?

i have so much to tell you, i just dont know how to start, what to say, where to begin. i wanna tell you that i miss you, but i dont wanna put it in words. i wanna tell you that at times i need you, but i dont want it to seem like i'm desperate. i wanna tell you that i need a hug from you, but i dont want it to seem that i'm trying to take an advantage. i wanna tell you that you mean so much to me, but i dont wanna make it seem like it's a lie.

its been so long since i liked you, maybe years? i still feel that guilt sometimes. i'm really sorry for everything. i wish i could go back in time and make things better, if not perfect. i remember the last time we talked, that was during your sports day or something, the time when you lost your phone and you were really upset and everything. and i think we prayed about it? and a few days or week or so you got a call from the repair shop telling you that they found your phone. remember? that was the last time we talked.

i'm sorry for not taking what you said last time that you were leaving seriously. i would have been more patient then. i miss how you used to sing strawberry shortcake to me everytime on the phone, and i had a recording too of it in my old phone. i wish i could tell you "dont go". but its your decision, and whatever decisions you make i'll surely support you no matter what. i wish i could buy some time to fix everything. i'm sorry for affecting you too. i never knew that you'd always think of my feelings first no matter what. it always seemed to me like, at times you ignored me or you forgotten me or you'd only find me if you have problems.

i tried hard to keep a line in between us altho i liked you. but its seriously the hardest and the most painful thing to do. i'm sorry if i ever made you feel like a fool, for not knowing anything. i just dont wanna lose you. i know you have the rights to know, but i dont wanna make it seem like just ordinary words. and i guess even if i did tell you how i feel, you'd never believe so i guess its just better to keep quiet.

i guess, when you leave. its gonna be hard for me. i didnt mean to break down the other day on the phone. i couldnt control my emotions when you asked me that question. i just couldnt lie. the song "when you're gone" reminds me of you. even the video, the part where the girl flips her phone. the phone you used to have, but yours was pink =/

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
All the words I need to hear will always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you