confusion.

i seriously dont know how i feel anymore. we used to be great friends. and now things feel so different and awkward. i feel like you've changed alot. but i just cant tell you. i care about how you feel. i feel so disappointed and sad its like losing someone you really care for. and suddenly due to certain problems you lose grip of that person. i may no longer be the best to you, but yeah, if everyone ditches you again i'll be there for you. just want you to know that you really are something to me. and i guess its hard to be as close as how we were back then. maybe now you think that everything i say, i dont understand you and stuffs but truth is i want the best for you.

i dont wanna watch you changing into someone else.

i know you use all this sarcasm and stuff to protect yourself but dont you think of people around you? especially those who really care about you? i dont want you sarcasms, i dont want to see you wearing a mask, i dont want to see you acting like everything's fine when its not. i dont need all this from you. i just wanna know whats inside you. how you feel inside not outside. you may be worried that i might hurt you again but no im not going to let that happen again.

as time pass its like we're going so far away. we live like, less than a kilometre away and its astho we're miles apart. maybe things are different now. things changed. just so you know that i'll always be that sensitive person to you. and i guess i'll never get the chance to tell you how much you mean to me and how much i really love you anymore.

happiest day :)

gosh i've not felt so happy in like months? hahaha. well today was awesome seriously. asked her the day before if she wanted to go dominos for lunch. and she was like kinda okok as usual. and i didnt put much hope into it, because whenever i ask her out it never happens D: yeah all the disappointment right? :P and so i never actually expected her to be okay with it ! so happy man :DD and she's the first person who i have actually drove and went out alone with. i urm actually, google map the roads to see where i can avoid the jams and everything [long story] hahaha and i couldnt really sleep. scared i couldnt get up D:

then we met at canning and blablabla and drove to dominos. i dont know why whenever i see her i actually get like butterflies in my tummy man. but its not like i just knew her or something, i've known her for 4 years !!! D: i dont get that with anyone, not even my ex =.= and so we were in the car and i parked at dominos and we were mengada-ing at each other as usual and i said "omg you have pimples !" [seriously guys dont try to say that to a girl] LOLLL. and she was like acting like she was crying while covering her faceeee ! cute right i know ROFLL. and so i opened the door and went to her side and opened the door for her, and she was still covering her face. DAMN MENGADA WEH. LOLL but seriously la so adorable.

I looked at her while smiling because seriously she was so adorable D: hahaha she never fails to make me smile :) and so i wanted to unbuckle her seat belt for her and hold her hand and help her off the car but, i didnt wanna seem like i was trying to take advantage. :P and so i was like sucha fruitcake, i was like "weh dont like that la". I MEAN LIKE DUDE WHERE'S MY GENTLEMAN-NESS. WTHHHH. JUST HELP HER OUT THE CAR LA DEI. shyt la i was too anxious? :O and so she stopped "crying" and she got off the car. and so we went to dominos and i ordered the food. and she sat facing me. and after ordering, i turned and looked and i was like *eh why la she sit facing me i shy la* and so i sat down and looked at her and we started talking.

i dont know why im just sooooooo shy sitting infront of her, and i was like "eh, the sunlight behind you distracting me la" HAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHA. shyt i lied ! :O its because i dont wanna turn red while she notices it. and so i sat next to her instead. and she was like "how am i going to talk to you like that, you want me to keep turning my head is it?" GG.COM. and i like walked back and sat right infront of her. everyone was looking. because i looked like an ass and she looked so good :( and we talked and ate. and there was this moment when she asked me to order something for her to take home, i went to the counter to order and she put chili flakes on my pizza. LOLLLLL ! when i came back i was like "WHAT THE??" and she said "eat it. its not spicy" but gosh it seriously was. and it tasted like i ate some chili padi or something. damn spicy.

i didnt wanna tell her that i cant really take spicy food coz it affects my stomach, but i wanted her to be happy and so i ate it. and i went home with quite a bad stomach D: sakit weh. hahaha. then after that we left dominos and she opened the door for me. i.... felt... like... a...woman. HAHAHAHA. and so we walked and talked halfway and she fed me a piece of the crunchy chicken thingy. but gosh it was hot and pepperyy laaa. D: when we reached the car i unlocked the car and i wanted to open the door and i noticed her staring at the door. and i walked towards her and opened the door for her and she said "owh i thought you havent unlock the car" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA SHE'S SO CUTE LAA. and when we were in the car we continued mengada-ing again and i pinched her cheeks. gosh seriously damn cute laaaaaaa. LOL. she never lets me touch her head nor her cheeks last time. but i pinched her like 4 times? hahaha. she's just so adorable seriously. she complains that she's fat and everything. but she's not. she's so thin ! she says she eats alot but it seemed to me like she doesnt. D:

the pinching and mengada-ing reminded me of how there was once when we were younger i was standing at my balcony and she was standing outside my neighbours house and she was shouting how much she hated me. sometimes i hate myself for not appreciating her those days and even now. she's been the best seriously. no matter what mistakes i did, she's still always there for me. :) and after whatever happened for the past few weeks i'm glad that we went out today. she really did make my day. she's the only person that i'll be a girl instead of a guy, feeling shy and all. she'll always be special to me no matter what and i thank God for bringing her back in my life :)

random thoughts.

i heard about the rumours and all. about what happened that time in facebook. and you told me you felt like you were being controlled? i didnt expect you to believe what he said tho about some deal we made. i didnt make any deal whatsoever. i didnt even think of controlling you. if you think of believing what you heard then i can't stop you. because seriously i didnt mean anything and that dude kept saying that i'm just jealous and all. like wth man. if i was jealous why didnt i just tell him straight to his face then. and besides he has nothing for me to be jealous of. and i didnt like how he threaten me and screwed fw and sharon for no reason and kept bringing your name into the picture.

if everyone thinks i'm the culprit of whatever shit, i'll just stop bothering you for the moment i guess. there's like a gap in between us and suddenly this shit comes up. i just hope things get better between us. all this awkwardness is seriously hurting me. everything feels so different. sigh

when you're gone.

its the 28th of Sept 2010, 2 more days till October starts. just 3 months before you leave, and it'll be hardly a month after your exam and you'll be gone. even then, i bet we'll never get to go out together. you'd be busy with your preps, other friends, and stuffs. i feel really lost now, i just dont know what to say. its like a bomb thats ticking. i dont know if you feel it too, but i feel a really huge gap in between. am i losing you?

i have so much to tell you, i just dont know how to start, what to say, where to begin. i wanna tell you that i miss you, but i dont wanna put it in words. i wanna tell you that at times i need you, but i dont want it to seem like i'm desperate. i wanna tell you that i need a hug from you, but i dont want it to seem that i'm trying to take an advantage. i wanna tell you that you mean so much to me, but i dont wanna make it seem like it's a lie.

its been so long since i liked you, maybe years? i still feel that guilt sometimes. i'm really sorry for everything. i wish i could go back in time and make things better, if not perfect. i remember the last time we talked, that was during your sports day or something, the time when you lost your phone and you were really upset and everything. and i think we prayed about it? and a few days or week or so you got a call from the repair shop telling you that they found your phone. remember? that was the last time we talked.

i'm sorry for not taking what you said last time that you were leaving seriously. i would have been more patient then. i miss how you used to sing strawberry shortcake to me everytime on the phone, and i had a recording too of it in my old phone. i wish i could tell you "dont go". but its your decision, and whatever decisions you make i'll surely support you no matter what. i wish i could buy some time to fix everything. i'm sorry for affecting you too. i never knew that you'd always think of my feelings first no matter what. it always seemed to me like, at times you ignored me or you forgotten me or you'd only find me if you have problems.

i tried hard to keep a line in between us altho i liked you. but its seriously the hardest and the most painful thing to do. i'm sorry if i ever made you feel like a fool, for not knowing anything. i just dont wanna lose you. i know you have the rights to know, but i dont wanna make it seem like just ordinary words. and i guess even if i did tell you how i feel, you'd never believe so i guess its just better to keep quiet.

i guess, when you leave. its gonna be hard for me. i didnt mean to break down the other day on the phone. i couldnt control my emotions when you asked me that question. i just couldnt lie. the song "when you're gone" reminds me of you. even the video, the part where the girl flips her phone. the phone you used to have, but yours was pink =/

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
All the words I need to hear will always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

The Truth.

have been having lots of emotions this past few months. i'm the kind who gets affected by things, especially to people whom i really care for. Maybe for some, its easy for them to express how they feel to people who they like or care for. but for me, its like the hardest thing to do, opening up to the person i like. i was once an asshole who liked people easily, but after a relationship which failed after 2 years, and waiting for someone who i used to like, it really tested me alot.

its like a test to see how patient you can get, just to please that special someone. but life isnt about smooth rides, or things which go as how you want to. its about the pain and sacrifices you go through. letting yourself hurt and to put a smile on that someone's face is really priceless.

although we're just the best of friends, we can talk about anything or everything, but the thing that we find so hard to talk about is, ABOUT US. opening to one another seems to be the hardest thing. i dont know about her, but to me. THIS IS THE HARDEST. it was really easy for me before with others, it was so easy to tell them the words I LIKE YOU. but why is it so hard now?

i used to say alot of things, expressing things. but now words seem lost in my mouth. how does it feel, wanting to tell a person so much how much you feel, how much you really do care and like the person when its so hard to just form those 3 words. its not like i really want to hide things, wanting the other person to get hurt by me. telling someone you like them is easy, but doing things to show how much they mean to you really is the hardest thing. but for me, i tend to do it the hard way. and yet i fail.

i've been trying hard to prove every feeling i have. but things, people around tend to make everything a misunderstanding. so what can i do? "action speaks louder than words". but to me, the feeling inside you speaks the loudest, if it was given a chance of course. a chance that has assurance that it wouldnt turn ugly.

there were moments which i felt, we were gonna lose each other. the arguments, the misunderstandings about others and stuffs. all this felt like i've been trying so hard to be perfect, not to let her down, but instead we were heading to an end. its not about losing any ordinary person, its about losing your BESTFRIEND, someone who matters. and after our misunds, we just move on, astho the feeling of being hurt, the problems we had were never there.

there was this song on the radio, and all i remembered was the word TRYING. the beat, the rhythm were stuck in my head, but the lyrics of the song just couldnt form. and so i did what every teenager would, that is, Google.and the result? i found this song called THE TRUTH by KRIS ALLEN.

the lyrics is exactly what i am feeling. and especially at that moment when i was really down. hope you guys enjoy this song =)

THE SONG IS IN MY MEDIA PLAYER, JUST CLICK THE 'NEXT' BUTTON =)

and to that special someone, if you read this, this is exactly how i feel inside. i'm sorry for everything.

Lying next to you
Wishing I could disappear
Let you fall asleep
And vanish out into thin air

It's the elephant in the room
And we pretend that we don't see it
It's an avalanche that looms above our heads
And we don't believe it

Trying to be perfect, trying not to let you down
Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now
While the floors underneath our feet are crumbling
The walls we built together tumbling
I still stand here, holding up the roof
'Cause it's easier than telling the truth

I still keep your photographs
I remember how we used to laugh
I can't keep on losing sleep
If you're ok with being torn in half

It's the elephant in the room
And we pretend that we don't see it
It's an avalanche that looms above our heads
And we don't believe it

Trying to be perfect, trying not to let you down
Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now
While the floors underneath our feet are crumbling
The walls we built together tumbling
I still stand here, holding up the roof
'Cause it's easier than telling the truth

Stop ignoring that our hearts are mourning
And let the rain come in
Stop pretending that it's not ending
And let the end begin

Trying to be perfect, trying not to let you down
Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now
While the floors underneath our feet are crumbling
The walls we built together tumbling
I still stand here, holding up the roof
'Cause it's easier than telling the truth

can't you just treat me better?

i still dont get it. what is going on? why must you be so mean? i text you like almost everytime whenever you seem down, i do care genuinely. and its like you just dont give a damn. did i do something wrong? i just wanna talk to you, is that so bad? seriously i miss the times when we used to talk on the phone for hours rather than those couple of tens of minutes. whenever i text you, sometimes its asthough i'm texting the wall. why must you do this to me? why do i get so affected by this.

Ms. S. Quack. [miss ass crack] LOL.

thanks S you've been a great friend too =P

well, people may think that you're a liar, two faced, a blabber mouth. but i've judged you myself. and i know and believe/trust you are not that type of person that others see in you. YOU ARE A AWESOME creation of God! so yeah, for a 15+ year old. well, you're more matured than me i can say LOL, you're good at talking [ both craps and facts ]. and i guess you're good at dancing tho, GO JabbawockeeZ. hahaha.

you're very spiritual tho, thats good about you, sometimes too spiritual, DONT SO EXTRA KAY. =P well, all i can ask from Him is that to keep you just the way you are. and i hope and pray that, that special someone you once had would come back to you some day again. =) so yeah S, Jesus loves you wei =D

Losing YOU, is like living in a World with no air.

i blew it again. each time we get closer. something happens. im sorry i've not been a great best friend. i failed. AS ALWAYS. im seriously scared that one day, i'll lose you. and thats the worse thing that can happen. im learning to let go of my feelings now tho. its hard. but its worth it. better than losing someone you cherish so much and never get to lean on them anymore.

yes, sometimes i hate how you talk, but thats just you. being you yourself, thats what i like. tho sometimes you dont automatically come to me when im down. i always expect you to be there for me each and everytime. but thats okay, i dont blame you. we're not perfect. just hope that things would get better. i've lost so many people. i cant lose you too. you should really know how much you mean to me despite how i used to remind you.

you helped me get through those problems i had, we had each others back. we were like each other's pillars. im so glad that we made it through. it wasnt easy. im sorry for being stupid, the stupid things i said, the stupid things i did. i dont want you to forget me one day, forget me as a STUPID friend. i want you to remember me, remember me always as the SILLIEST friend you ever had. someone who would stay up all night texting you tons of messages. thinking what you're doing. hoping to put a big wide smile on your face on the next day when you read those annoying yet cute messages.

i always wonder why you like to slam my calls whenever i say something annoying and ignore me. makes me hurt. but its just your way of wanting me to know what dumb things i can say on the phone. i just like arguing with you, how much i sayang you and you say i dont. i dont know why. haha. but the things you do, make me feel secured. a real bestfriend i could ever had. and i wanna thank you, for texting me in the hospital, the only one who teman me through the phone. and i wanna thank you for scolding me for whatever i did wrong.

we used to tell each other, how we really thank God, how He put both of us to help one another. but not anymore? im sorry for what happened during camp. i broke my promise. each time i promise you something, i end up breaking it. im sorry for the night during xmas. i admit. i was jealous. thats why i ignored you the whole night. and im sorry for having that small argument on that night. which made us both really sad the next day. im sorry if i made you confused tho. i was just jealous.

to tell you the truth, there are many things that i am jealous of. im jealous because i'm scared of losing a special friend like you. i've lost so many friends who i had trust, how can i lose another one like you? and you did the biggest favour for me. i wanna keep reminding you that you mean so much. its like losing something really valuable. i really cherish this friendship, and i cant lose it. because you are my GREATEST friend. i want you to be there for me on standby 24/7 like how i always am =(

i know that you dont like me talking to others. especially girls. you're scared that i'll forget you one day. like how i did, and yes i still regret what i did few years ago till today. i lied the biggest lie and acted the greatest act. but i wanna assure you that no matter what, you'll still be sitting at the same spot, the GREATEST friend spot. i'll never forget you i swear. and i promise. this is something i can't break. you'll be thinking "yeah, we'll see". remember what we promised each other? that we'll be there for one another no matter what? i hope we can really hold that promise tho.

i really wanna know what your expectations are towards me, so that i can stop failing you. i wanna know whatever's in your mind. i'm not physic too. please tell me kay? and i promise i'll tell you mine. i'm sorry it seemed so hard for me to put all these in simple words to tell you on the phone. it's hard. but this is just how i profess my sincerity. i hate having arguments with you. i'm really sorry. sorry cant cure anything. but what can i say? sigh.

camp really made things so hard. we argued more and more after it. im sorry i've always failed being someone special in your eyes. im learning and am still trying my best. but please promise me you'll stop slamming the phone and be more patient with me? =/ and to tell you honestly. i cant sleep whenever we have this cold treatment going on. you should be thankful you're the only one im scared of. maybe because of all the high expectations you have towards me. but im thankful for being a somebody in your eyes, makes me feel appreciated.

each time you sing, attempt to annoy me with those cute sounds, call me by that weird cute name you gave really makes me smile, altho i dont say it, i mean, you cant expect me to shout "WOI, IM SMILING LA ENOUGH", but behind that annoying crappy phone, im giving you a smile, a smile that proves how you can make me smile with just simple cute things. tell you a secret. you always fail to annoy me. HAHAHAHA. failure =P

okay its getting late now. AND YEAH. while im writing this, you're still ignoring me. i'm refreshing my damn facebook in hope you'll say something. so imagine how sad i am right now. and how pitiful this is. =( its no fun seriously. and i only have you right now, and while you're not here at this moment. it just suck. its like sitting in a jail cell with no one just a damn computer and a damn blog to write my feelings out. =/ okay then. i hope we'll be better after you see this. ILY greatest friend =D remember that. i hope that after you read this, not only would you smile =) but be so touched, that you'll sob and gimme a hug. HEH.

i'm back!! i hope =/

well yeah. guess i'll start blogging soon again. many insecured feelings lately. well, part of life i guess. will be posting some stuff soon. =/