i used to think that friends will stay, well i have less than a handful who might stay. but as time passes i've realised that there will be some awkwardness in between that will form, eventually.
i've come to know that i've been lying to myself all these while. giving my all to every person who i care for. and especially to one.
after the absence of one another, we started to be friends again. we used to talk almost everyday. laughing about anything and everything. talking about things that happened daily. we were really close. and eventually i had some feelings towards that person. but as time goes we kept having issues with one another every now and then. from almost daily calls, to alternate calls, to occasional calls and to rare calls. and that caused the gap in between to widen.
i have seriously never cared for anyone this much, ever. to walk under the rain when we had an argument all the way to her house, to ditch a friend at the very last minute when she needed someone, from dropping whatever i was doing just to talk to her, organizing a surprise party, and folding an origami. these are the things i never did for anyone, not even all of my ex. would you believe if i said i have never attended any one of my ex's birthday party, what more organizing it. the only thing i have given to one of my ex is a small toy dog, and sweets, what more spending half a day trying to fold something just to put a smile on her face.
sometimes i have always wondered, whether was i that silly to actually do all these for someone. putting her as one of my priorities in life. there was never once that i have never thought of her. i used to sit down and break down. but as misunderstandings keep repeating, eventually you just don't know how to cry anymore. it's like you're all numb and heartbroken. it's true that words are very comforting. what's the point of comforting someone with words but not showing it?
it really saddens me that everything she says, sometimes just tend to be words. am i really the best to you? why doesn't it seem like it? am i only the best when you know i'm always there whenever you're having problems, and only pushing me away when you're happy with your other friends? you might say that i don't understand you, well maybe in this matter, but have you ever tried to understand me? do you know how painful it is to me? do you realise that i've not told you any of my problems already? it's because you're so occupied with your friends that whatever problems i have, you wouldn't be there.
have you ever felt being pulled when someone has problems, and only to forget you when they're out there enjoying their time with others? am i like a seasonal friend to you? questions keep popping out whenever things like these happen. why do i care so much about you, when you don't even give a damn? whenever people are around and we have our issues, we can actually just ignore one another, like asthough we never knew one another. do you know how much it hurts me? do you think i write things like these just for the sake of writing? things just keep building up inside, and i don't know who or what to let all these out.
why did i even allow myself to fall for you. why am i that stupid? nothing lasts forever. you were right. and i have learnt that all these while, i have been lying to myself. trying to make things better, and yet things don't get better at all or worse. you'll never know, or never will you understand how painful and hurt i am.
