lost

i just don't know how i feel right now.

should i continue being a pillar, and still hurt deeply without being noticed?

or should i just walkaway from the promises i made, and forget and leave everything that happened and live life being so carefree?

my heart hurts, not that you'll know how it feels nor would you even take notice of it.

even if i were to disappear it wouldn't matter anyway, not like you'll care.

i care too much i guess, maybe i should stop.

you.

i really wanted to tell you how i feel from my own mouth yesterday. i'm always a chicken when it comes to telling you about my feelings towards you. whenever you're around me, words just get lost inside. my mouth doesnt know what to say to you, but my heart does. i just want to tell you that i really love you and i really dont know how to say it to you but it doesnt mean that i dont mean it. i'm really sorry i've always wanted to tell you since that day on christmas '09.

you're leaving already today, i've been procrastinating about telling you for so long. i dont want to seem like a flirt to you. i'm sorry for that mistake i did for breaking your heart, i think, that many years ago, walking away from you. i guess you wouldnt forgive me for that part which made you still think that i'm the type who would like anyone easily and my feelings will fade really fast. you'll be there for 5 years, and i promise i'll study hard and try to get to aus asap. i really wanted to tell you in the car yesterday, but i couldnt. all i could do was just pinch your cheeks for that 2 - 3 minutes plus and not let go, telling you from my heart that i'm going to miss you so much. my eyes was about to tear up but i told myself i cant because, yeah your mom was in the car and i dont want you to be depressed. i really like you and i'll wait for you till the day i can pinch your cheeks again. i love you.

lost of words at mouth, lots of words at heart.

1 more week to be exact till you leave. dont really know what i'm feeling or thinking atm. sucks to be me especially when its chinese new year. i had so much to tell you from the start, but as disappointments keep happening i just lost everything to say. have planned so many things to do to keep you happy right after your exams. fixed my skateboard, planned to go to the playground and be kids again. but since then everything just started going more awkward. we make up and things seem awesome just for that moment. and when we have our conflicts. it last 10 times more than when we're fine. guess i'll never get to tell you everything. i'm so confused. i just dont know what to do. things are so different now. we cant even talk like how we used to. imy greatest friend. i really do.

confusion.

i seriously dont know how i feel anymore. we used to be great friends. and now things feel so different and awkward. i feel like you've changed alot. but i just cant tell you. i care about how you feel. i feel so disappointed and sad its like losing someone you really care for. and suddenly due to certain problems you lose grip of that person. i may no longer be the best to you, but yeah, if everyone ditches you again i'll be there for you. just want you to know that you really are something to me. and i guess its hard to be as close as how we were back then. maybe now you think that everything i say, i dont understand you and stuffs but truth is i want the best for you.

i dont wanna watch you changing into someone else.

i know you use all this sarcasm and stuff to protect yourself but dont you think of people around you? especially those who really care about you? i dont want you sarcasms, i dont want to see you wearing a mask, i dont want to see you acting like everything's fine when its not. i dont need all this from you. i just wanna know whats inside you. how you feel inside not outside. you may be worried that i might hurt you again but no im not going to let that happen again.

as time pass its like we're going so far away. we live like, less than a kilometre away and its astho we're miles apart. maybe things are different now. things changed. just so you know that i'll always be that sensitive person to you. and i guess i'll never get the chance to tell you how much you mean to me and how much i really love you anymore.

happiest day :)

gosh i've not felt so happy in like months? hahaha. well today was awesome seriously. asked her the day before if she wanted to go dominos for lunch. and she was like kinda okok as usual. and i didnt put much hope into it, because whenever i ask her out it never happens D: yeah all the disappointment right? :P and so i never actually expected her to be okay with it ! so happy man :DD and she's the first person who i have actually drove and went out alone with. i urm actually, google map the roads to see where i can avoid the jams and everything [long story] hahaha and i couldnt really sleep. scared i couldnt get up D:

then we met at canning and blablabla and drove to dominos. i dont know why whenever i see her i actually get like butterflies in my tummy man. but its not like i just knew her or something, i've known her for 4 years !!! D: i dont get that with anyone, not even my ex =.= and so we were in the car and i parked at dominos and we were mengada-ing at each other as usual and i said "omg you have pimples !" [seriously guys dont try to say that to a girl] LOLLL. and she was like acting like she was crying while covering her faceeee ! cute right i know ROFLL. and so i opened the door and went to her side and opened the door for her, and she was still covering her face. DAMN MENGADA WEH. LOLL but seriously la so adorable.

I looked at her while smiling because seriously she was so adorable D: hahaha she never fails to make me smile :) and so i wanted to unbuckle her seat belt for her and hold her hand and help her off the car but, i didnt wanna seem like i was trying to take advantage. :P and so i was like sucha fruitcake, i was like "weh dont like that la". I MEAN LIKE DUDE WHERE'S MY GENTLEMAN-NESS. WTHHHH. JUST HELP HER OUT THE CAR LA DEI. shyt la i was too anxious? :O and so she stopped "crying" and she got off the car. and so we went to dominos and i ordered the food. and she sat facing me. and after ordering, i turned and looked and i was like *eh why la she sit facing me i shy la* and so i sat down and looked at her and we started talking.

i dont know why im just sooooooo shy sitting infront of her, and i was like "eh, the sunlight behind you distracting me la" HAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHA. shyt i lied ! :O its because i dont wanna turn red while she notices it. and so i sat next to her instead. and she was like "how am i going to talk to you like that, you want me to keep turning my head is it?" GG.COM. and i like walked back and sat right infront of her. everyone was looking. because i looked like an ass and she looked so good :( and we talked and ate. and there was this moment when she asked me to order something for her to take home, i went to the counter to order and she put chili flakes on my pizza. LOLLLLL ! when i came back i was like "WHAT THE??" and she said "eat it. its not spicy" but gosh it seriously was. and it tasted like i ate some chili padi or something. damn spicy.

i didnt wanna tell her that i cant really take spicy food coz it affects my stomach, but i wanted her to be happy and so i ate it. and i went home with quite a bad stomach D: sakit weh. hahaha. then after that we left dominos and she opened the door for me. i.... felt... like... a...woman. HAHAHAHA. and so we walked and talked halfway and she fed me a piece of the crunchy chicken thingy. but gosh it was hot and pepperyy laaa. D: when we reached the car i unlocked the car and i wanted to open the door and i noticed her staring at the door. and i walked towards her and opened the door for her and she said "owh i thought you havent unlock the car" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA SHE'S SO CUTE LAA. and when we were in the car we continued mengada-ing again and i pinched her cheeks. gosh seriously damn cute laaaaaaa. LOL. she never lets me touch her head nor her cheeks last time. but i pinched her like 4 times? hahaha. she's just so adorable seriously. she complains that she's fat and everything. but she's not. she's so thin ! she says she eats alot but it seemed to me like she doesnt. D:

the pinching and mengada-ing reminded me of how there was once when we were younger i was standing at my balcony and she was standing outside my neighbours house and she was shouting how much she hated me. sometimes i hate myself for not appreciating her those days and even now. she's been the best seriously. no matter what mistakes i did, she's still always there for me. :) and after whatever happened for the past few weeks i'm glad that we went out today. she really did make my day. she's the only person that i'll be a girl instead of a guy, feeling shy and all. she'll always be special to me no matter what and i thank God for bringing her back in my life :)

random thoughts.

i heard about the rumours and all. about what happened that time in facebook. and you told me you felt like you were being controlled? i didnt expect you to believe what he said tho about some deal we made. i didnt make any deal whatsoever. i didnt even think of controlling you. if you think of believing what you heard then i can't stop you. because seriously i didnt mean anything and that dude kept saying that i'm just jealous and all. like wth man. if i was jealous why didnt i just tell him straight to his face then. and besides he has nothing for me to be jealous of. and i didnt like how he threaten me and screwed fw and sharon for no reason and kept bringing your name into the picture.

if everyone thinks i'm the culprit of whatever shit, i'll just stop bothering you for the moment i guess. there's like a gap in between us and suddenly this shit comes up. i just hope things get better between us. all this awkwardness is seriously hurting me. everything feels so different. sigh

when you're gone.

its the 28th of Sept 2010, 2 more days till October starts. just 3 months before you leave, and it'll be hardly a month after your exam and you'll be gone. even then, i bet we'll never get to go out together. you'd be busy with your preps, other friends, and stuffs. i feel really lost now, i just dont know what to say. its like a bomb thats ticking. i dont know if you feel it too, but i feel a really huge gap in between. am i losing you?

i have so much to tell you, i just dont know how to start, what to say, where to begin. i wanna tell you that i miss you, but i dont wanna put it in words. i wanna tell you that at times i need you, but i dont want it to seem like i'm desperate. i wanna tell you that i need a hug from you, but i dont want it to seem that i'm trying to take an advantage. i wanna tell you that you mean so much to me, but i dont wanna make it seem like it's a lie.

its been so long since i liked you, maybe years? i still feel that guilt sometimes. i'm really sorry for everything. i wish i could go back in time and make things better, if not perfect. i remember the last time we talked, that was during your sports day or something, the time when you lost your phone and you were really upset and everything. and i think we prayed about it? and a few days or week or so you got a call from the repair shop telling you that they found your phone. remember? that was the last time we talked.

i'm sorry for not taking what you said last time that you were leaving seriously. i would have been more patient then. i miss how you used to sing strawberry shortcake to me everytime on the phone, and i had a recording too of it in my old phone. i wish i could tell you "dont go". but its your decision, and whatever decisions you make i'll surely support you no matter what. i wish i could buy some time to fix everything. i'm sorry for affecting you too. i never knew that you'd always think of my feelings first no matter what. it always seemed to me like, at times you ignored me or you forgotten me or you'd only find me if you have problems.

i tried hard to keep a line in between us altho i liked you. but its seriously the hardest and the most painful thing to do. i'm sorry if i ever made you feel like a fool, for not knowing anything. i just dont wanna lose you. i know you have the rights to know, but i dont wanna make it seem like just ordinary words. and i guess even if i did tell you how i feel, you'd never believe so i guess its just better to keep quiet.

i guess, when you leave. its gonna be hard for me. i didnt mean to break down the other day on the phone. i couldnt control my emotions when you asked me that question. i just couldnt lie. the song "when you're gone" reminds me of you. even the video, the part where the girl flips her phone. the phone you used to have, but yours was pink =/

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
All the words I need to hear will always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you