"there's only so much that words can say, but there's way much more words a heart is capable to cry out."
Saturday, June 22, 2013
i'm lying to myself you're coming home.
there's only so much that words can say. how feelings bottle up deep within oneself, it forms a choke-hold. you can't breathe. there's only so much that one can withstand within themselves. we become disgruntled with ourselves, we start asking so many questions, it's always "why" or "if only". how far can the word 'pain' bring us? no matter how mad, how frustrated, how long more can one go? all the misery we go through, at the end, it becomes our past. it's a memory. you hold everything close to heart, in the end it's far more unreachable than what we think. what hurts even more is the fact that, you can only watch from a distance as you're no longer someone. the joy that you feel, is the joy that you bring unto others especially someone who you hold dear to. but what if, you're no longer that joy you bring to them?
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Pain.
What have i not done enough to please you? i gave my all. i did everything i don't usually do. Yes, i did alot for other's. but not as much as what i did for you. i loved you with all my heart. Why would you doubt that and throw such words at me? Am i really that worthless and cheap to you? After all we went through, and now you threw it back at me. it's like being stabbed a billion times. it hurts much worse than whatever before. i thought you knew me better. what have you become? It fucking hurts so badly, i don't know where to hide. how could you just leave everything like that. are you that selfish? it just hurts.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Closer
I'm finding a way to approach youAs soon as you walk into the roomYou're holding a veil that I see throughAnd I'm already pulled by the way you move
Metres, Kilometres, Miles, a Light Year. DISTANCE.
It is not always the measurements, or instruments needed to count how far one can be from another. Measurements can be counted physically using formulas too, for objects. but what about emotions? can you measure how 'far' you are from the person you love? you can sit directly opposite, and yet, something makes you feel far apart. even Pythagoras wouldn't be able to tell you what this 'distance' is.
In every part of life, you meet people. either they change you, or they don't. but everyone you meet, are different/unusual beings who play vital roles. but in every group of friends, you somehow meet this one very special being. a being who affects you in so many ways, emotionally, sometimes physically. they either bring you up, or they bring you down. they're the reason you smile, and they're the reason you frown. this special 'force' that can either pull you so close, or drift you apart from one another.
This 'force' is rather unique. call it a magnetic field, a centrifugal/centripetal force, but still, science can't seem to explain what this is. But what happens when this 'force' somehow seems to feel like it's losing it's energy? This missing 'gap' then becomes a distance. an imaginary/invincible barrier. Scientific shit aside, but how can this be possible? when you've been so close to someone, that somehow, something just pulls you apart?
You do everything, you fight for it. but somehow, it just can't happen. It's not that, the other person stops trying. they just can't.
"... right now, I can't believe what I'm feeling somehow."
You learn to care for someone, and somehow that 'force' comes and hits you, and BAM. you start to realise how important that someone becomes, and how important that someone can be. A friendship that you unknowingly built becomes something more than you ever thought it could be. Yes, you get this with everyone else you fall for. but each one feels different. they feel much better. if you were to say, "it's just one of those love shit you go through, same shit, different day", but mind you, every experience you go through is different. everyone goes through different things in life.
Well back to the story, what if you're not allowed to love this person anything more than just being friends? can this be the reason why things feel much different? somehow, the thought of "i-can't-do-anything-more-than-that" makes it feel different, once you are aware of it. but what if you're not aware of such thought? would things feel better, more freewill in your actions?
"... it's like driving. you learn how to drive with a manual car. and then for many years, you've been driving an auto car, you'll find it hard to go back to a manual."
You've become close friends, and then out of a sudden, you both took a step higher. and next moment, you had to take a step down. and then things felt a little different.
But why can't things just stay as how it was, why can't things improve from there? There's this unexplainable emotions that we have, that somehow wants you to get closer. But at the same time, you know you're not allowed to.
"... i'm trying my best not to fall through, and it's taking everything I've got"
You've tried your best to make everything seem like it has always been the same. But what about the memories that you've made along the way when you took that step higher? Must you leave them behind and forget them like they never happened? What if you're not allowed to remember them, and must they stay behind in the past? You know you can't walkway from them, because it happened. because you were once closer.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
Saturday, April 21, 2012
growing apart.
i miss you bro. i miss how we used to be so close. looking out for one another. you have no idea how much it hurts me till today. the fact that we have grew so far apart now. you never judged a single thing i did or who i am. i really miss you, bro.
Friday, December 2, 2011
truth
it's been so long since i last blogged. my blog's starting to look so dead. lol. i guess when people say that nothing stays the same, it is an actual fact. sometimes we tend to lie to ourselves. or perhaps holding on to the past stops us from growing up. time does change people no matter how much they deny it. the only way to stop ourselves from 'hoping' is to change with time to, in that way it saves us from heartbreaks.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
time passes and life goes on.
in life, we have friends. some who are true, some who are seasonal, some who only seek you when they're down, some who share lame jokes and some who are always steady like a rock who you know you can count on. but as time passes, everyone will move on. no matter how close you are, time will pull you apart. nothing stays the same. just like how the continents in earth will move apart in millions of years, like how the sun will eventually die off.
i used to think that friends will stay, well i have less than a handful who might stay. but as time passes i've realised that there will be some awkwardness in between that will form, eventually.
i've come to know that i've been lying to myself all these while. giving my all to every person who i care for. and especially to one.
after the absence of one another, we started to be friends again. we used to talk almost everyday. laughing about anything and everything. talking about things that happened daily. we were really close. and eventually i had some feelings towards that person. but as time goes we kept having issues with one another every now and then. from almost daily calls, to alternate calls, to occasional calls and to rare calls. and that caused the gap in between to widen.
i have seriously never cared for anyone this much, ever. to walk under the rain when we had an argument all the way to her house, to ditch a friend at the very last minute when she needed someone, from dropping whatever i was doing just to talk to her, organizing a surprise party, and folding an origami. these are the things i never did for anyone, not even all of my ex. would you believe if i said i have never attended any one of my ex's birthday party, what more organizing it. the only thing i have given to one of my ex is a small toy dog, and sweets, what more spending half a day trying to fold something just to put a smile on her face.
sometimes i have always wondered, whether was i that silly to actually do all these for someone. putting her as one of my priorities in life. there was never once that i have never thought of her. i used to sit down and break down. but as misunderstandings keep repeating, eventually you just don't know how to cry anymore. it's like you're all numb and heartbroken. it's true that words are very comforting. what's the point of comforting someone with words but not showing it?
it really saddens me that everything she says, sometimes just tend to be words. am i really the best to you? why doesn't it seem like it? am i only the best when you know i'm always there whenever you're having problems, and only pushing me away when you're happy with your other friends? you might say that i don't understand you, well maybe in this matter, but have you ever tried to understand me? do you know how painful it is to me? do you realise that i've not told you any of my problems already? it's because you're so occupied with your friends that whatever problems i have, you wouldn't be there.
have you ever felt being pulled when someone has problems, and only to forget you when they're out there enjoying their time with others? am i like a seasonal friend to you? questions keep popping out whenever things like these happen. why do i care so much about you, when you don't even give a damn? whenever people are around and we have our issues, we can actually just ignore one another, like asthough we never knew one another. do you know how much it hurts me? do you think i write things like these just for the sake of writing? things just keep building up inside, and i don't know who or what to let all these out.
why did i even allow myself to fall for you. why am i that stupid? nothing lasts forever. you were right. and i have learnt that all these while, i have been lying to myself. trying to make things better, and yet things don't get better at all or worse. you'll never know, or never will you understand how painful and hurt i am.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
the best for everyone.
have you ever felt being stuck in the middle, not being sure of what to do? being right in between two souls who are in love with one another and you're in love with one of them?
and suddenly one day you come to know that something happened in between them, and one of them is badly hurt by it emotionally.
what would you do to make her/him happy?
maybe to some desperate dudes, you may think that, wow this is your chance man, it's like a dream come true to do your thing since she's vulnerable now. but no, i'm not happy at all. not even a bit. i'm really upset seeing her being like this. being so emotional, not being in control of things right now. i feel as equally torn as her. it really breaks my heart.
its the first time hearing her cry on the phone for sometime and especially when she's some where far far away. i've actually felt like trading places with that guy, i guess she'll be happier? or at least not as heartbroken. because i know he'll make her happy.
should i speak to him about what she's going through? should i make a deal with him? i'd rather break my own heart to mend hers. i've never felt this way about anyone before. not this much. i feel like i'm myself whenever i'm around her. the sensitive person deep inside. she brought changes into my life, made me more patient than i ever was. pulled me back to God. i can't let go of our fondest memories, but i think i'll be strong enough to go through it all. as long as she's happy and there's that smile back on her face, that's all that matters to me now.
"loving someone means you want them to be happy, even if it's letting go of them"
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